Stop the count: butchered in the Pigs in Blankets challenge

As I have mentioned previously in this blog, there are two types of farmyard Paul: Pacey Paul, and Peaceful Paul.

In addition to these attributes, I also have a knack for adapting and improving. If I’ve been assigned a task and want to speed up (or make it pass quicker) I experiment with methods and often time myself to see if they’ve been successful. This has been noted by my superiors.

When it succeeds, like when I’m potting strawberry plants or removing drippers, I become Pacey Paul. But sometimes when I can’t make a breakthrough and decide to keep a steady pace, I’m Peaceful Paul. Happy to be part of the team and to keep plugging away.

Normally, this wouldn’t be a problem but on the one occasion where reputations were at stake and I wanted Pacey Paul to prevail, he floundered in front of a mountain of pork.

My first batch of pigs in blankets. I didn't realise the rashers needed to be cut in half before wrapping...

My downfall was making pigs in blankets and the instigator was a teenage butcher called Zack. I thought with my ability to adapt and Graham’s faith in my skills that I would stand a chance in the Great Westlands PIB challenge, but after an hour I was on the ropes and being stuffed harder than the turkeys in the back room freezer before their Christmas warm-up.

Before I go into the day I brought shame to the farm, let me explain how I came to be wrapping sausages in the Westlands butchery.

I often find myself working the odd shift in the farm shop and butchery these days and being able to provide cover is no bad thing in these Covid-threatening times. Graham thought it would be a good idea to get me trained up, informing me that things got a bit tricky during lockdown thanks to the combination of staff illness and throngs of panic-buying customers.

Most of my first day at the farm shop was spent behind the till in a role that took me down memory lane. Look at my CV and you’ll see that my employment history started with a till job at Safeway Anchorage Park in 1995, while later additions include a managerial stint at Wine Rack.

It was quite fun getting behind the counter again after two decades and the patter soon came back. Back in my retail days I tried to engage with every customer and that ethos hasn’t changed, even if it meant speaking through gritted teeth. I noticed one customer had a Southampton FC wallpaper on his phone so I started chatting excitedly with him about the possibility of Saints topping the table, a difficult and possibly treacherous act for a Pompey fan like me.

This was on a Friday and I was back at the shop two days later for a very different job. My task was wrapping mini sausages in bacon with 800 packs of ten PIBs needed altogether. After a quick prep talk I was handed large individual crates of bacon and shop-made sausages, and just got on with it.

Vegetarians may be alarmed to read that by the end of the day I had wrapped 1,035 sausages in bacon. I wasn’t aware the rashers were meant to be cut in half, so whoever gets a pack from my first batch is getting a major porky bonus. An eighth of the target met though, and I got faster as the day went on.

The following Friday I was back for more of the same but this time I had competition. Enter fresh-faced teenager Zack, a butchery student and a relatively new member of the Westlands team, having joined around a month beforehand.

"I smashed it". The triumphant Zack, winner of the 2020 Westlands Farm Shop Pigs in Blankets challenge.

Shop manager Harry and legendary Westlands butcher, Morny – please look for his calendar poses on the Westlands Farm Shop Facebook page – built-up the competition, with Zack on one side of the ring and “Paul from the farm” on the other.

I fancied my chances given my previous day’s efforts and Graham also had high hopes for me given my ability to adapt and improve. But Zack developed a method very quickly and remained in front for the rest of the day. Updates consistently revealed he had several more packs in the crates and even a delivery didn’t give me the chance to catch up. My method of rolling the sausages along rows of arranged rashers couldn’t compete with his assembly line technique, and I was still wrapping sausages nearly an hour after he sealed his last pig in a blanket.

“I smashed it” is the phrase I heard consistently from Zack for the rest of the day and although it was a bit galling, he was right to gloat. I had been well beaten and although I actually completed more packs – 96 to his 88 – I found myself using his method on my next session, such was its superiority.

I’m pleased to report that all 800 packs of PIBs have now been filled and my butchery lessons have been expanded to include lessons on chicken cutting and dicing beef. I’ve also spent a day behind the butchery counter, which was thoroughly enjoyable.

There’s a great team at the farm shop and it’s a pleasure to work alongside them. With Christmas fast approaching and work winding down at the farm I’m expecting a few more shifts at the shop, and I look forward to them all. I just hope there’s not another competition against Zack.